Business as usual
by GranddaugtherOgg
Summary: Imagine that Samael has you kidnapped from the house that you share with the Horsemen. What might be the demon lord's purpose?


You opened your eyes and met an inquiring yellow gaze.

The last thing you remembered was standing in your kitchen, making pancakes; then a sudden rustle, a swift movement at the peripheral of your vision.

And now you were facing the prince of demons, staring at you from the heights of his throne. He looked as scabrous and impenetrable as usual.

You stood up groggily and wiped your palms on your jeans. They were still covered with flour.

"Oh hai, Samael," you said. "Nice to see you and all, but couldn't you, you know, just _call_ or something? This is getting old."

The large demon gave out a rumbly laugh. "I seriously doubt _calling you _would work."

"You're so hard to reason with sometimes." You sighed. "So, I suppose that the drill is the same as the last time? Pizza, _Brooklyn Nine-Nine,_ maybe a game of chess later?"

"How very astute of you, little human" Samael chuckled. "I've already ordered the pizza. No jalapeños this time."

"Gee! Thanks for remembering, man. Hate'em."

A pleasant few hours have passed. Suddenly the main door to Samael's throne room shot open with a powerful kick from another side.

You didn't even have to guess; there's only one person in the whole Creation that enters places in such a cavalier manner.

"War!" you called. Samael's rocky eyebrows furrowed.

The Red Rider rampantly stomped in and scanned the room with his lightning blue eyes.

He didn't have to look far; you were sitting at one of the throne's armrests, dangling your legs and stuffing your face with the remnants of pizza.

War nodded, and you waved at him cheerfully. The permanent frown gracing his forehead eased a little.

"Aren't your siblings coming?" Samael sounded a bit dissatisfied.

"They are" answered the silver-haired giant.

"But they got stuck a while ago. Death really fixated on solving that one puzzle, while I was like whatever, it matters not, I'm going forward…"

You laughed from the bottom of your heart. That's typical Death for you. Always on the lookout for ways to make things difficult for himself.

"Kudos to you for changing those puzzles once a week, by the way" you muttered under your breath. The demon all but winked.

Anyway, in a while or two the other three Horsemen were all here; armed to the gills and rather miffed.

Their steps clanked on the stone floor as they entered the place, absorbed in a heated conversation.

"Fifteen tries!" gnarled Fury, shaking her flame-like hair in anger.

"It took you fifteen tries to crack that damn puzzle and it wasn't even mandatory for progressing further! I swear, brother, one day I'm going to -"

"It would have taken so much less if not for your invaluable input" snapped the most gravelly voice in the whole world.

You'd recognise that concentrated snark anywhere. It put a smile on your face every time. Death. Beloved.

"Guys, guys," said Strife, who closed the parade. "We're here. Put a lid on it, will ya?"

He trained both guns on Samael's visibly unimpressed face.

"What did you do to our human, devil spawn?"

Samael arched one eyebrow and said nothing.

"Oh, he didn't do anything" you rushed in. "I mean, we had a lot of Netflix and he destroyed me in a chess match three times so far. But apart from that…"

"I meant to ask you for quite some time, demon, " said War. "What is the sake of those repeated kidnappings?"

"You take her, we take her back, next week you do this again," said Death wearily. That puzzle must've taken a toll on him.

"Not that I don't enjoy the _immensely stylish _environs of your castle, but I'm sure that we all have more pressing affairs to attend to, Samael."

"Do you now?" the demon lord's voice was like thunder.

"Didn't the purpose of that exercise dawn on you yet, o Rider of the Pale Horse? You must be denser than I expected."

"Wait a sec." You almost fell off the armrest. "I thought that we were having fun here._ Exercise_?"

"You've built yourself a house and a life with this human. You pledged your considerable powers to protect her.

Yet time after time my minions are able to snatch her away under your very noses."

"And then we watch Netflix" you added.

"And then we watch Netflix because it's me. But what if you got taken by someone else, little human? Like Lilith?"

There was a profound silence - and then a strangely muffled metallic sound. You knew that it was Death, clenching his armoured gloves to fists.

"Your point being?" said War with a scowl.

"My point being: your home security is _utter shit_. She" - he gestured his large hand at you - "might get hurt. And if you won't do anything about it, I will."


End file.
